Sitting on the streetcar. My head in a haze from the joint I just enjoyed. I’m on my way home from a tattoo consultation. I’m feeling good, a precious feeling since my transgender epiphany
. In my vibe I find myself watching people. And I find myself noticing a man in a way that I am not accustomed to, at all.
Before I figured out that I am trans, I considered myself straight. The fact that I’m a woman has shattered what I thought I knew about attraction. Apparently I can be attracted to some men.
I could always see the appeal of some men. Like many in my generation, Pirates of the Caribbean awoke some feelings. But I would have never said I was sexually attracted to them. They're just beautiful people. I liked their faces. I thought they were cool. If a woman asked me to assess a man's attractiveness I’d always be happy to oblige. Often I wouldn’t think they’re attractive. Not at all. But sometimes I would. But would I want to be with them?
I never entertained that question. I did not feel the same way towards these men as I did women. I understood what I found attractive in a woman. Sort of. I feel like society helped form the idea of what to look for. But we don’t do that with men as much. Especially if you are not in female centric spaces. I couldn’t even find what I felt was attractive about myself as a man, let alone other men.
I hated the way I looked. People told me I was at least somewhat attractive so I tried to believe them. I was very confused about what makes men attractive… from the perspective of a man… And I think that was the issue. When I think about men with men. A thought that I didn’t feel represented in. The whole context of the thought was off.
And evidently that was the switch that needed to be flipped. Cause if I took the man out of the equation… I could be into that. And If I thought of myself as a woman with a man. Well shit, that's kind of hot. But hot in a different way? Maybe it’s the role reversal. Maybe I have some deep want or need to be coveted. To be used. To be acted upon.
I don’t know if I’ll ever know. Cause I’m here in my very happy in my queer woman loving woman relationship. I just think it’s kinda funny though. Like there is a little extra bit of spice to my coming out. It feels so small compared to the whole trans thing. When coming out I feel like I had this huge bombshell to drop on people, and then I leave them by throwing a handful of confetti at them saying “surprise i’m also bi!”.
Amusing more still is how I will probably confuse my older family with this information. As in I don’t think they would know transbians are a thing. Like they would just assume being a trans woman means you want a relationship with a man. And here I am saying no, no. I definitely prefer to be with a woman as a woman, but if there was some dick involved “shrug”.