Planning for the Unknown
PREFACE: Lot’s of talk about starting HRT in here. I’m 8 months in at the moment of actual posting so I know some of these answers now haha. Again more on that later.
One of the hardest things about me realising that I’m trans is that its shattered what I thought the future would look like. To be fair, I have never been good at planning for the future to have big goals or aspirations.
5 year plan? I can’t currently plan for dinner.
That's changed. My 5 year plan is to get me some tits! Amongst other associate goals of course.
My current direction feels like a culmination of all the failed “plans” I’ve ever had. I went through a meditation phase, workout phase, the sexuality guru phase, drowning myself in copious amounts of cannabis phase (I like to think i’m down to a respectable connoisseur amount now). All these things gave me something, separation, release, and just a little bit of dissociation. The goal was always to be comfortable and happy about myself. But none of these things succeeded. They all taught me a lot about myself, even the copious amount of weed, but they never addressed the core issue. I was trying to be ok with something I was fundamentally not ok with. I didn’t know that pretending to be a man was the thing making everything so hard.
So I never really felt like I was reaching for anything. The only milestone I cared about wasn’t being affected. Even if there were other improvements in my life from my practices, I didn’t care. It all felt disingenuous. It felt like I wasn’t doing these things for me. I was never doing things for me. I was doing things to separate myself from me.
The closest I got to bridging the gap was when I got really into sex education and sex toys. That might have been the closest I got to realising I was trans earlier. Here I was trying to review dildos and writing about sexuality. In doing so my biggest frustration was that I was trying to force myself to package it in some sort of “male” lens. It didn’t work, every line felt like a lie. I felt like I was making the content for no one. Where would I find my audience of straight guys who sensually make love to themselves, with a huge focus on being penetrated? Literally all the other places on the internet even remotely similar were all about being humiliated or degraded etc. It was seen as a kink and I couldn’t relate to it that way. For me It was vanilla, like a natural part of masturbation, not a kink. It's something I craved for fulfilment, not just pure dirty excitement. I’m not shaming anyone for that. You do you. But anal play is not a kink for me. It’s just sex.
Maybe it felt more natural and normal to me because I’m a woman and that was the only way I could enjoy a sensation like that.
Even in the early days of self discovery I think I was filling the void of not having a vagina with anal play. Not comfortably or safely, but I couldn’t resist. And frankly it probably worked to probably mask a lot of my dysphoria. Only when I finally got into a relationship with my partner did I start buying plugs and dildos for myself. Toy’s were something I had never let myself explore before. My partner initially was pretty worried that I had bought them to use on her. I cringe at my communication skills back then. Sorry for scaring you hun, they were always for me.
I have since amassed a fucking army of toys. Part of me worries that after HRT that anal wont be as fun for me anymore. I worry about bottom dysphoria starting to creep in.
I worry about HRT.
I worry about it working. I worry about how it will change me. I worry about how it wont change me. I worry about how my body hair will change, I worry about how it won't change. I am obsessed with the possibilities, but I’m trying to be realistic.
It’s impossible to settle my mind down. I’m worried that all my most optimistic thoughts will come true sooner than I could imagine. And then I’d have to fast track my coming out to family. I am honestly not excited about that.
I’m worried about whether they'll understand. Or if they will accept it. I worry about them using my deadname. I worry about not being welcome. I worry that because they didn’t even know who I was before, that they’ll be further detached from the person I actually am.
We don’t talk. We don’t call. I have never felt comfortable sharing my life with them. They used to complain about my money, my decisions, my style, my expression, my school choices, my jobs. Frankly everything. Even when I was succeeding.
They never saw my friends. I didn't like bringing them around growing up. Or even when I was in college. Being around my mom felt like Russian roulette of awkward growing up. And in college my Dad and his wife were very religious. Which by itself was not a problem, but it felt weird. I didn't want to be associated with that.
I’m worried about practically not having a blood family to actually not having a blood family. Then there is my partner's family. Who I’m frankly way closer to than my own at the moment. They know me better than my family. They accept me. Maybe because I am so like my partner. Odd and eccentric people who like to stir trouble, but are also very thoughtful and caring. They are very accepting people. But I feel like suddenly growing breasts will be a red flag. It’s going to be awkward, that's for sure. Also in a way I feel like I’m outing my partner too (she’s bi)? I’m not sure how many straight women would be ok with what’s about to happen.
I worry a lot. And all I can do right now is wait.